A Swim In The Deep End

FACT: It is estimated that 50 percent of first marriages in America will end in divorce. The odds are even higher at 60 percent for consecutive marriages, and then if you add kids to the mix it moves your rate of potential failure to a staggering 70 percent.  I know you are thinking “Wow!  That’s encouraging!” Just imagine how I felt at the revelation of this jolly factoid when I began proclaiming that I was ready to try marriage again for yet a third time.

Nonetheless, I was convinced that if I were going to say, “I DO!” then the only “D” that would be heard of in this marriage would be the “D” in “…until death do us part”. The grim statistics for consecutive marriages with children had me more determined than ever to ensure that I was going to do things right.  My tenacity led me to begin a journey towards cultivating a healthy remarriage and sent me on my own personal stepmother crusade.

I knew very little about what it meant to become a stepmother. Single career women don’t romanticize about settling down with a man and his already established brood.  We envision a much more passionate love affair filled with romance, late nights, and jet setting about the world before settling into a chic urban retreat. There was no history of discussions involving custody battles, parenting agreements or baby-mama-drama over cosmopolitans with my gal-pals.

What little knowledge I did possess was through hands-on experience in my professional life and the jaded stories from my single mom friends who have “dead-beat-dads” to contend with.  Sadly, stepmotherhood has never been painted as a pretty picture. Instead the very mention of the word in my social circle was met with a facial grimace and a cringe followed by the predictable Disney stereotype society so willingly embraces. This in itself left little to be admired about the idea of becoming a stepmom and me wanting even less to entertain it.

It was clear I was heading into uncharted waters.  When I began my research on becoming a stepmother in 2006 there wasn’t much of anything supportive out there—a few books and blogs, but no support group I could turn to, no local meetings at the town hall, no hot-line I could call.  I needed a person.  Someone who could look me in the eye and tell me it was going to be worth it. My own Life coach….”My Guru” as I have affectionately called her for over 10 years asked me, “ Are you sure that this is a path you would like to go down?”  I thought, “Oh my God! Will someone throw me a life preserver? I am going to drown out here in the unknown.”

Like biological parents, stepparenting doesn’t come with a manual.  So I made do with what I had.  I found solace in the book by Sally Bjornsen, “A Single Girl’s Guide To Marrying A Man, His Kids And His Ex Wife.” I started a support group on Facebook to cope with the nuances of blending a family. I confided in my dearest friends, and stocked up on wine for the (not so graceful) tidal waves of inexplicable emotions that accompany transitioning to not only remarriage, but also becoming an instant parent.  Admittedly, it has been like treading water most of the time.

Never Say Never

It had been decided in the parenting agreement between Mi Hombre and his ex that there would not be overnight sleepovers with Super-girl present until the opposite parent had a chance to meet their ex’s new partner.  “Fair enough” I thought.  The only trouble was I lived in another city over an hour away.  This made play-dates with me treacherous on the little 5-year-old Super-girl.  Not to mention very tiring for our love life.  We had spent six months seeing each other when he didn’t have his Super-girl. Sometimes that would mean for us having only phone or email contact for over two weeks at a time.

Now, for a wining and dining romantic woman such as myself this was clearly unacceptable.  I was in L-O-V-E with Mi Hombre and I was old enough to know that this wasn’t some puppy-love infatuation fling. This was the real deal. I have never been surer of something in my entire life.  I wasn’t just sure, I was CERTAIN.  I knew this because I swore that I would never again considered marriage, especially after two failed attempts at it.  At the time that was all I was thinking about. The more I thought about it the more I began letting go of the long list of “I will never’s.”

You know those things that we secretly or sometimes out loud tell ourselves we won’t EVER do.  My list became one big fat contradiction to everything I was getting ready to say yes to.  For example, I once heard myself say, “I would never conceive of dating, let alone marrying anyone with kids.”  Or “ I will never sell my house with my Zen garden, I am going to live there until I die.” And my personal favorite,  “ I will never again relocate my life, my job, or my friends for any MAN.”  I laugh loudly now at the thought because at the time I could think of nothing more than that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Mi Hombre. Even though it appeared to go against what I stood for.  Somehow it made absolute perfect sense to me.

So, I vowed to never say never. I ordered a ton of step parenting books, and began my search to find the information that I needed to learn about becoming a stepmother. As time passed, Mi Hombre and I fell deeper in love and the pain that we felt with each absence became unbearable.  We both knew that it was time for me to cultivate a more significant relationship than play-mate with Super-girl.  So, I agreed with Mi Hombre…it was time to tell the ex about the seriousness of our relationship.