Out With the Old, In With the New!

The first few weeks after moving in with Mi hombre I spent quite a bit of time unpacking my things and de-bachelorizing the cozy craftsman.  Blending possessions from both of our pasts proved to be a tricky adventure.  It had us overwhelmed with a mountain of duplicity and unwanted things. For one reason or another most of it just simply had to go. Not because we had no use for it or that either of us had tastes that were so far apart- mostly because it became apparent that we had no use for bad Juju, We realized that many of the possessions we had were just that–tainted with bad Karma. Something neither of us wanted in our home.  So together we decided, out with the old! And in with the new!

Several truckloads to Good Will had Mi Hombre and I discussing visions for our future. Since the holidays were quickly approaching, Christmas etiquette became one of our first major riffs.  As we shared our thoughts on the spirit of gift giving, holiday traditions and what we would like to adopt for our new family unit; it was revealed that Mi Hombre had been sharing the holidays with his ex.  Instinctively, in that moment I wanted to scream, Hold up!  Put on the brakes! I am going back to Good Will to buy back my stuff! In my disbelief I  muttered about 20 questions at him while he was driving. Things like: Seriously? Are you kidding me? Why did you get divorced in the first place if you want to pretend that you are still a quasi-family? Do you still want to be married to her? Are you still in love with her? If you think that I am going to support this…think again!  Once I finished blow torching Mi Hombre for the idiocy that I felt the whole situation was, I shut my mouth and listened to what really had been happening.

When Mi Hombre was told by his ex that the marriage was over he was not only in shock but was overwhelmed with the heartbreak that Super-girl was going to endure.  He himself had gone through divorce as a child. The flash back of his life experience motivated him to do things differently for Super-girl. He wanted her transition through divorce to be easier than his had been.  So naturally, he did not question when the ex suggested that they continue doing things together-as Super-girl’s parents. Things like: back to school shopping, school picnics, weekly meetings at the coffee shop, celebrating birthdays and holidays etc.  For Christmas in particular, they had agreed that they would jointly purchase the gifts for Super-girl and on Christmas morning when Mi Hombre was dropping her off they would open their presents; together.

My first and foremost concern was for Super-girl.  What effect is this having on her? Does it falsely keep the illusion of their “family” alive? In the spirit of Christmas-do you buy gifts with and for the ex? Is this something that I can agree to? What if Mi Hombre and I have a child of our own; are we all going to go over to the ex’s house on Christmas morning to open our gifts? Would my name be included on the shared gifts for Super-girl or would it remain from “ Papa and Mama?” My thoughts were rampant; the questions endless-I was shocked, annoyed, and suspicious of unresolved emotional attachments.  Not to mention that I couldn’t ever fathom spending one of the most festive and enjoyable holidays with Mi Hombre’s ex-for the rest of my life.  Nor was there enough alcohol to help me endure it.  I thought this situation to not only be absurd, but I felt that it was confusing Super-girl.  Surely, in her little mind it must seem that her Papa and Mama were still married…only they lived in separate houses.

After many hours and a lot of wine, Mi Hombre and I explored all of our feelings as it pertained to holidays and gift giving. I was relieved, exuberant even, when Mi Hombre confided that he detested sharing any time or any thing with his ex, and with certainty there were no unresolved emotional attachments on his part. He admitted that from the minute he had agreed to participate in shared holidays and gift-giving something inside of him felt sick, like his decision was completely wrong. Still, he convinced himself that if Super-girl was happy then that was all that mattered. Of course she would be happy, she had her parents together! I felt sadness over the whole thing.  That is, until Super-girl was sent to a child psychologist at her mother’s request-our relationship was causing Super-girl to want a boyfriend in Kindergarten. Really-no joke!

Mi Hombre and I seized the opportunity to ask a professional about sharing birthdays and holidays. Karma came a knocking! Instead of telling us that Super-girl was boy-crazy because of our relationship, the psychologist felt she was a normal child mimicking normal things in life.  She agreed whole-heartedly that divorced parents who are too friendly send mixed messages and confuse the child.  Children need a clear understanding of what divorce means, concrete boundaries of having two homes, and that sharing birthdays and holidays has not proved to be beneficial for children of divorce.  In her experience as a child psychologist, she felt that those friendly co-mingling behaviours only perpetuate the illusion that the parents are still together/living apart or foster the child’s wish that they will rekindle their relationship. At this point imagine me jumping for joy inside…and childishly flipping the bird at the ex!

Continuing with the Mantra, “Out with the old! And in with the new!” Mi Hombre began setting boundaries with the ex.  He and I chose to create and celebrate our own new holiday traditions.  We adopted the practice my brother uses with his ex. Where he buys what he wants his daughter to have at his house, and his ex buys what she wants her to have at her house. There are no more gift list exchanges, no joint ventures to sit on Santa’s knee, no shared presents, no transporting of items to and fro, and certainly no celebrations of opening gifts at “mom’s” house on Christmas morning. From that moment forward, on Christmas mornings you can find us under the Chamiso, with Café con leché, celebrating a tradition that is completely and uniquely OURS!

A Swim In The Deep End

FACT: It is estimated that 50 percent of first marriages in America will end in divorce. The odds are even higher at 60 percent for consecutive marriages, and then if you add kids to the mix it moves your rate of potential failure to a staggering 70 percent.  I know you are thinking “Wow!  That’s encouraging!” Just imagine how I felt at the revelation of this jolly factoid when I began proclaiming that I was ready to try marriage again for yet a third time.

Nonetheless, I was convinced that if I were going to say, “I DO!” then the only “D” that would be heard of in this marriage would be the “D” in “…until death do us part”. The grim statistics for consecutive marriages with children had me more determined than ever to ensure that I was going to do things right.  My tenacity led me to begin a journey towards cultivating a healthy remarriage and sent me on my own personal stepmother crusade.

I knew very little about what it meant to become a stepmother. Single career women don’t romanticize about settling down with a man and his already established brood.  We envision a much more passionate love affair filled with romance, late nights, and jet setting about the world before settling into a chic urban retreat. There was no history of discussions involving custody battles, parenting agreements or baby-mama-drama over cosmopolitans with my gal-pals.

What little knowledge I did possess was through hands-on experience in my professional life and the jaded stories from my single mom friends who have “dead-beat-dads” to contend with.  Sadly, stepmotherhood has never been painted as a pretty picture. Instead the very mention of the word in my social circle was met with a facial grimace and a cringe followed by the predictable Disney stereotype society so willingly embraces. This in itself left little to be admired about the idea of becoming a stepmom and me wanting even less to entertain it.

It was clear I was heading into uncharted waters.  When I began my research on becoming a stepmother in 2006 there wasn’t much of anything supportive out there—a few books and blogs, but no support group I could turn to, no local meetings at the town hall, no hot-line I could call.  I needed a person.  Someone who could look me in the eye and tell me it was going to be worth it. My own Life coach….”My Guru” as I have affectionately called her for over 10 years asked me, “ Are you sure that this is a path you would like to go down?”  I thought, “Oh my God! Will someone throw me a life preserver? I am going to drown out here in the unknown.”

Like biological parents, stepparenting doesn’t come with a manual.  So I made do with what I had.  I found solace in the book by Sally Bjornsen, “A Single Girl’s Guide To Marrying A Man, His Kids And His Ex Wife.” I started a support group on Facebook to cope with the nuances of blending a family. I confided in my dearest friends, and stocked up on wine for the (not so graceful) tidal waves of inexplicable emotions that accompany transitioning to not only remarriage, but also becoming an instant parent.  Admittedly, it has been like treading water most of the time.